been down one time

listening to: "never going back again" - fleetwood mac

Although we're excited about what's to come, and while we may feel varying degrees of AWESOME, this is actually a very sobering time for us as we spend a lot of time in conversation about joining together all of the minutiae of our lives. It's hard, all of this talking. We didn't think much about how complicated it was going to be. Bank accounts, credit scores, mortgages, families, discussions of future division of labor and money... It's overwhelming, though it's good for us. We're figuring out how to healthily fight with each other, which cannot be a bad thing. The reality of the situation is that we met less than a year ago, got engaged April 17, set a date for late August, and, oh yeah, we close on our house late this week or early next week. I quit my second job at the brewery last week, and while I will miss the easy on-hand cash, I am enormously glad to have gotten away with my sanity. Anyway, we are so excited and so stressed out and we can't wait to get this show on the road, but meanwhile, wow. This is intense.




Currently listening to: lots of fleetwood mac
Currently reading: 10 Conversations You Must Have Before Getting Married (And How to Have them), The Five Love Languages, Lisey's Story, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
Currently watching: Arrested Development (again), Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (again)



shalomshalom.

got a bad case of noisemaker blues

listening to: "southtown girls" - the hold steady

i'm not terminally happy, if that's what you're wondering.
i still work two shitty jobs, seventy hours a week.
i'm getting married august 29th, which is like 145 days away.
i'm visiting potential homes that smell of cat piss.
bridal stores call me at my house and on my cell. which: torture.
my parents are going to africa for the summer, and i need them here.
i have had a unibrow since i was in junior high. no one could be happy about that.
i don't drink nearly as much gin as i would like to.
my mexican friends in the brewery kitchen have ceased calling me "te amo".
and yet.
in less than four months i am going to be joined with my heart's friend.
and when i'm not entirely overwhelmed by the stress of this coming summer,
i am deeply satisfied.





shalomshalom.

worlds on worlds

Love is what carries you, for it is always there, even in the dark, or most in the dark, but shining out at times like golden stitches in a piece of embroidery... Love is a great room with a lot of doors, where we are invited to knock and come in. Though it contains all the world, the sun, the moon, and stars, it is so small as to be also in our hearts. It is in the hearts of those who choose to come in. The room of love is another world... You go there wearing no watch, watching no clock. It is the world without end, so small that two people can hold it in their arms, and yet it is bigger than worlds on worlds, for it contains the longing of all things to be together, and to be at rest together. You come together to the day's end, weary and sore, troubled and afraid. You take it all into your arms, it goes away, and there you are where giving and taking are the same, and you live a little while entirely in a gift. The words have all been said, all permissions given, and you are free in the place that is the two of you together. What could be more heavenly than to have desire and satisfaction in the same room?

by Wendell Berry,
from
Hannah Coulter

come on join the party

listening to: "eminence front" - the who

Well guys, I'm getting married! So excited and so happy and such a fun time in my life. Huzzah!


this is me & mike right after he asked me to marry him


so pretty and such a megan ring. we got it right.


the view from our cabin in the smokey mountains.


i am so happy. this is so crazy.




shalom.

trade you my empire for ashes

listening to: "middle cyclone" - neko case

Got good and churched this morning. I always go to church when my brother and sister come home. That's pretty much the only time. Other Sundays I'm more or less allowed to sleep. Usually the pastor of my parents' church is loud, quick-talking, and abrasive. He would be at home in a used car lot, I think. I generally find his sermons offensive and condescending. Today we had a substitute pastor who lacked the oomph of the original but was just as condescending. The sermon was on the woman caught in adultery from John 8-- She is caught in adultery by several high-ranking religious men who ask Jesus if they can stone her to death, as the law demands, and he basically says whichever one of you has never sinned, he can throw the first stone. After I'd caught on that this was going to be just another sermon about Jesus forgiving the whore (that's the usual gist of these things) with no mention of the asshole who'd gotten her into the situation in the first place or the fact that women are still stoned in several countries for lesser transgressions, after I'd caught on to this, I basically zoned out. I noticed that there was a bird stuck in the sanctuary of the church-- the enormous auditorium, the Jesus emporium-- and was swooping to and fro, trying to find an out. He flew down one of the organ pipes, and landed briefly on many of the hanging lights. I followed the flight of that poor bird for probably ten minutes until the final address of the pastor caught my attention. The exact phrase that drew me back in was, "how many of you have ever been tied up?" Wow, I thought, never heard a sermon like that before... Unfortunately it was just an illustration of forgiveness, instead of a foray into more engaging conversation, but Emily and I exchanged a glance all the same. Altogether it was a pretty boring church adventure-- usually I leave that place burning with some kind of heathen irritation or anger, but today I just felt slightly dull. It has been that kind of a week. And that kind of blog entry, looks like.


shalomshalom.

i do my best but i'm made of mistakes

listening to: "i'm an animal" - neko case

It's March! Springtime! This is the second day in a row of beautiful weather, though I am unable to take advantage of it today. Yesterday was Saint Patrick's Day, and last year around this time I was with Jeremy and Kristi, romping around downtown Chicago with all of the pretty green Irish-for-a-Day crazies, listening (and getting more excited than anyone probably oughta) to the bagpipers, and drinking Tullamore Dew. This year was more subdued, but still nice. It was seventy degrees outside, and Mike and I sat out on the deck of a bar for hours in the sunshine. Everyone had their dogs out and the locals were all done up in green-goth-garb. It was lovely.

It's been a hard month for me at work. At the coffee shop I feel torn between my desire to interact with the customers (who are the reason I work there in the first place) and the pull of the ever-increasing politics of the business. I can't seem to do anything right. No matter what. Last night I fell asleep and dreamed I was at work. I helped customers, I talked to my regulars, I had coaching conversation, and when my alarm went off at 4:15 I woke up and was surprised to find that I wasn't already at work. I got up and went in, and worked what felt like my second shift of the day.

As far as the other job goes... I can't keep it up much longer. My heart races as soon as I sit down in my car to drive the 14 miles to work. By the time I get there, my hands are shaking and I'm having a hard time breathing. There's no real reason for these mini-anxiety attacks. The job isn't stressful, not really. It's just waitressing. But even when I try to tell myself, Megan, you know your reactions, breathe, try to breathe through it... even then, I kind of wig out. I need to quit my job, but I've never quit a job before for any reason other than moving to a different state or graduating. Never.

I know I'm lucky to have jobs at all, even two jobs that occasionally feel stupid. I just want to, first and foremost, be healthy and happy, and also I would like to enjoy what I do every day. I also know that I am young and that I do not necessarily get to do what I want to do. Millions of people are unhappy at work. I am willing to work a job I am not passionate about if, in exchange, I have the time and mental-well-being to work at my writing. Right now I don't have that. When I talk to my friends, I feel guilty when they ask me about my writing because when I tell them I haven't written in months, they know as well as I do that I am screwing myself over with no real result or reward.

There are good things in my life, though. Mike and I went to see Umphrey's McGee last weekend-- a two-night show at the Egyptian Room. Both nights were amazing and we had so much fun dancing around like crazies and drinking terrible beer. I was recently in Michigan and got to see my buddies, and have gotten to talk to a lot of faraway friends in the past several weeks. It's springtime, finally, and I'm in loveloveLOVE and I can drive with my windows down and I'm reading David James Duncan's The Brothers K again and starting David Foster Wallace's Infinite Jest and I have almost completely cut caffeine out of my diet and Neko Case's Middle Cyclone is awesome. Life is not so bad after all, it seems.


shalomshalom.

dreams, they seem to cost money, but money costs some dreams

listening to: "yeah sapphire" - the hold steady

We have twelve and a half inches of snow here in Indianapolis today. It's awfully cold and icicles are dangling from every possible overhang. I have the day off today and am trying to pay a few bills, drink some coffee, and run some errands. Tonight I am making soup: butter bean, sun-dried tomato, and pesto soup. May use cannellini beans instead of butter beans, but not sure yet.

I have a car now, have I mentioned that? It's all mine-- I bought it from Mike for a case of Diet Dr. Pepper and a dollar. 1997 Monte Carlo, bright red. Only 87,000 miles on it. Whatwhat. I'm excited-- it's the first car I've owned, with my name on the title and my money going into it. Yes.

Oh, I was going to post our music line-up for the winter/spring:

February 11: The Pretenders
February 25: Yonder Mountain String Band
March 13 & 14: Umphrey's McGee
May 19: Elton John & Billy Joel
June 19: PHISH

That's it, so far, though we may be adding to it. Can't seem to help it. Nothing in April because of the Tennessee trip. I need to see my Holland friends soon, so I'm maybe going to have to plan a weekend up north.

Have to get moving now or I'll fall asleep and not wake up til I have to go to work at a quarter to five tomorrow morning.

xoxoxo


shalomshalom.