if you're not getting happier.

a friend gave me the newest ani difranco cd last week and the lyrics to one of the songs keep running through my head.

"if you're not getting happier as you get older, you're fucking up."

i like that idea, using happiness as a measurement of success. not money, not the shit i have lying around the house, not the things i do for work, but the moments i reflect on later, the people i draw near to, the wrinkly forehead of my dog, the anticipation of adventure and connection and whatever is out there. i have been having these stressful interactions during the course of my job, intervening in the unacceptable behavior of others, asserting myself and the necessary structure of my business. i hate that stuff. what comes naturally to me is peacekeeping, revelling in the mutual respect and warmth of human connection. i suppose no one likes to be uncomfortable. anyway, despite that... i am happy planning for a future, happy drinking wine with my sweet neighbor, happy goofing off with michael, happy drinking coffee with my parents, happy walking walter, happy in my habitat, happy, happy, happier...

post-productive.

It has been a singularly productive weekend in the D-C household, at least from my end. Mike worked all weekend, bringin' home bacon, and aside from the hour and a half I covered at another store this morning, I was off both days. It was great! Yesterday, despite sleeping late, I was able to make enough food for at least one week, if not more. I made split pea soup with leftover christmas ham, turkey noodle soup with leftover christmas turkey, and steel-cut oats with hazelnuts, raisins & golden raisins, and brown sugar for five breakfasts. I also half-cooked about 8 portions of whole wheat farfalle, half-steamed a head of cabbagge and a head of broccoli, and sautéed four sweet italian chicken sausages so that we have about four quick skillet meals there. It makes me feel a lot better about my busy week to have food all planned out. No fast food, the money's already spent, and max five minutes prep time after work. Eating food is pretty much the best time of my day every day and I am pumped to have good eats all mapped out. Last night we headed on over to the lovely neighbors' house to imbibe in some jelly jar beer drinking, apple chip eating, and olive oil tasting. It was a delicious evening-- all the better because it preceded some more productivity this morning, when the gorgeous Carrie and I made some delicious energy balls out of peanut butter, oatmeal, honey, coconut, flax seed, and mini chocolate chips. We, who labor so hard during the week, are domestic goddesses by weekend! Let the week begin!

choosing to live a settled down life

is true attendance, no matter what
my migratory friends say. i embrace
the freeing irony of commitment, tell
myself my feet are rooted in rich loam,
with room to wiggle toes,
widen, expand. i may wake up
in cement shoes tomorrow,
but the poems i compose in my mind
are physical as tread marks on highway,
and my dusty floors are a published tome.
work is work and home is home and my flight is
hearth fire, my high is connection,
and my harvest is habit, pattern--
unlocking, undressing, settling in.

low resolution.

It's the end of another calendar year, a year which I can barely remember. I cannot honestly claim to have spent the year constructively, but I can say I kept my head down and worked hard. I'm plumb tuckered. I have thoughts about the new year, commitments I want to make, commitments I need to make but am afraid to put into words.

For me, for my relationship, I need to work on being a more present, authentic Megan. I need to figure out how to give less of myself to my job and more of myself to my life, to my relationships. OR-- how do I live a life less compartmentalized-- a life in which I can spread myself fairly over the people and activities that need me and which give me life. How does that work?

I need to read more poetry, write more prose. Turn off the TV. Move my ass. Clean my house. Walk the dog. Purge. Play outside. Take care of myself. I need to be with family. Leave my work at work. Plan my sister's wedding. Work with my hands. Cook with vegetables. Be nicer to my husband.

I never knew 2011. And now it's gone. I can do better.

Working & Playing.

I just got to spend the evening and ensuing morning with one of my best friends in the world, Darcy. We went to see Umphrey's McGee at The Lawn with our Mikes, we walked our pups around the block a couple of times, we had breakfast at Trader's Point Creamery (goat cheese & mushroom scramble with grits for her, chicken potato fritters with cottage cheese for me), and then we Goodwilled. I bought a cool chair, which I may or may not paint, and Darce bought some books.

It was so good to spend time with my dear friend. We can always pick up where we left off, we can share things with each other that we can't necessarily tell other people. She is such an easy friend, and I wish we lived closer. We always said we'd live next door to each other, she, with a houseful of welsh corgis, and me, with a houseful of babies. Well, we'll see.

Now she and her Mike are on their way home, and Walter is recuperating from his romps with Linus, and I am going to try to recharge from a difficult difficult week. I'm going to watch some tv, do some laundry, and make my Mike some food.

Tomorrow: Monday! Ugh.

Thankful Thursday

It's a beautiful day today, my day off, except for a dumb and drawn out conference call at one. I spent the afternoon shopping (groceries, light jersey flyaway sweater, summer shirt, summer dress) and getting my oil changed, cleaning kitchen & dishes, and doing laundry. Now it's a gorgeous summer evening, I'm drinking freshly pressed Rwandan coffee, and watching Walter scuttle across the floor. He scuttles, lays down, scuttles, lays down... Looks up at me with big beady eyes and his fat wrinkly neck. This sort of evening reminds me of all I am grateful for....

My husband, who is a human being totally other from me, totally outside my realm of knowledge and understanding. He is such a good foil for me, so different from what and who I thought I wanted or needed in a partner. I love him, love his otherness, and love the possibilities the world holds in store for our family.

My job, which, too, is outside my original plan for my life. The company I work for is good and conscientious, the role I am in pushes me out of my comfort zone and into a place where I am pushed beyond myself, on a stage that is larger than it seems. I am rarely 100% happy, but I am always challenged relationally, creatively, and as a leader.

My family, who I love more and more the older I get. I miss them constantly.

Walter P. Cheek, the frog dog who breathed happy squirmy puppy love into my life after we lost our family dog, Shelby, last March. Walter is one third dog, one third bat, and one third piglet. He is fat and snotty and has stolen even Mike's heart.

New friends, old friends, the time and space and opportunity to be with people who fill up my tank.

My house, my '97 Monte Carlo, all of the "things" that make my life comfortable. My books.

Right now, what's figuring prominently into my good spirits is the sunshine, the breeze, the wheezing of my pup, the Real Housewives of wherever, the competing smells of clean house, incense, coffee, roasting turkey tenderloin. I am happy, right in this moment. I could stay for a good long time.


shalom.

be grateful. be mindful. be wakeful.

I survived March, but managed to miss the first half of April somehow. How do these things happen? I hate that shit-- I've lost a month to what? Work? Stress? Coffee? And what do I have on this end of it? A dirty house. A dog with long toenails. Friends and fam and a Mikey who aren't getting attention or good Megan lovin'. I've got to figure out a better way.

At my job, we talk a lot about "Best Practices" which are tried and true methods of doing our job in the most efficient way possible. My thing now is, what is the "Best Practice" for my life? Which practices are going to be the most life-giving? How do I be present to my right now? And can I be present to all of my parts? Can I be present to Home Megan and Work Megan and Friend Megan and Daughter Megan and Wife Megan all at the same time? Not right now. I don't know how.

I remember the first time I went to Oregon, how obsessed I became with being present. I did it so wrong, and I have regrets-- I became present to my environment to the detriment of relationships-- present to mountains and books, yet not to people. Totally missed the point. The second time I went, I vowed to be better. I formed relationships and then didn't follow through with them. I'm always missing something. These days, more than most.

If I was ever to get a tattoo, it would be these words: be grateful. be mindful. be wakeful. I know tattoos are for art, but God, I need one as a reminder. I'm so forgetful, so forgetful.

Mike and I just got home from vacation, and it was so good to get away, to leave the house and the dog and our jobs for even a short while. Escape. Now it's back to the grind, the drama, the bullshit.

I just need to fix this. I need to figure this out. I'm 26 in two weeks-- my friend says this is the quarter life crisis. Maybe. Maybe it is book withdrawal. Mountain withdrawal. Pencil & paper withdrawal. Sunshine withdrawal. Dirty floor syndrome. Good lord.



shalom.